happiness · health · lifestyle

Changing for the Better (again…ugh)

So, it has been another delay without any excuse. Has it been a year? More? I don’t know. A part of me is sick in the gut to try and find out. It is rather shameful to think that I had taken this on as such an important passionate project and I let it slip–exactly what I told myself to not do. What a pain. A very shameful pain.

I wish I could feel comfortable in saying it was just because of depression but that was the whole point of starting this blog…at least on some level. To have the point to defeat me is a bit of a bitter taste. But that is the learning experience, the other whole point of it all, is to continue without feeling deflated over hiccups (even if the hiccups are something about a year in the making, ugh…ouch). So, it is about time I get back into this and, this time, I think I do need to have a stricter focus on theme. No necessarily that everything else I had done in the past was too far out of left-field from each other, but I think ensuring a type of connection (or ensuring I am always writing and it is always about things I really need to write about) is key.

Blogging is a job–even not doing it for a living and something more for pleasure (though, yes, I would love to get paid for it) and it takes time and consideration to ensure it is completed and it does something for a person. I can’t write with the purpose of getting some sort of paycheck, a guarantee that is never a guarantee, but for myself and, maybe, for others.  I need to write how I like to write. Upload projects. Ensure I am keeping track with my personal goals. Rant about books or shows or something that has invoked some sort of passion from me. Basically, I need to bring more of me into the blogs and less of this hopeful profession.

So, I need to put down my research into veganism, my goal of losing 100+ pounds, my hope of writing and getting a book published, documenting my new precious cat, talk about the strangeness that comes from working at the university…things like that. Of course, I think I have said all of this before and it didn’t turn out quite well either. That depression does a number on a person’s head and really twists the motivation. It is so easy to get tricked by the blasted thing and I find it easy to believe in everything it says.

It likes to say things like to not push too far because the fall is going to be horrendous or that the attempt is not worth anything, even the chance of success. Mostly, I feel tired. Not much of thoughts at all. Just complete exhaustion and empty headed thinking. Of course, it infamously loves to say nothing about me is worth anything either. All of that is hard, sometimes impossible, to ignore.

This means I need to get out more and talk about things. You know, actually go out and about and live.

Easier said than done…but, holy crap, do I need to do something already.


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