happiness · lifestyle

When You Get the Dream…And the Panic That Comes With It

So, I just got my first full-time job.

After a year of searching, applying, begging, and finding myself in a spiral I found myself a job. Not just a job though, a start to a career. Starting in the morning I will be an Administrative Assistant to the University of North Texas, my alma mater. For years, I’ve focused on a university job and all the possibilities it can open up.

This is huge. It was one of the biggest things on my goal list. One of the top things for my future and to earn before the end of the year. I should be excited…except I am petrified. Completely and totally terrified.

How can something that I’ve wanted (and needed) be anything but amazing and wonderful?

Apparently my brain is more than willing to take that as a challenge and give me all the anxiety it can. Just…what.

I’m in a university. I’m starting a job I can rise up in. I could very well pursue my PhD. This is something that very well could get me to Seattle. I’m about to make a living. And I can think of nothing but the negative “what-ifs”, the loss of open days (where I did nothing), and how I am taking a large step into adulting.


I guess it shows that nothing is safe from this mental mess. Nothing changes instantly without work and practice. But, wow, what a punch to the gut that nothing is safe from this bitter blackhole in my brain.

How do you help battle these moments where happiness is stolen by depression? I have a list of possibilities for myself, but what does it take for you?

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